It's been over a year now and I am finally ready to write about it...The call came from Danielle's teacher at the end of the school day in the Fall of 2011. It was the call that I'd hoped would never come. The teacher called to inform me that there had been an "incident of inappropriate touching" at school.
When I first started this blog, I wrote about my concerns, my fears of raising a daughter with developmental disabilities. How can I protect my daughter from predators in our community? How could a beautiful, warm little girl with a trusting personality and limited verbal skills survive in such a dangerous world? I'm sure these are questions that every loving, responsible father of a child with a cognitive disability ask himself, over and over again. Now, I am faced with the cold reality of my child's victimization.
Upon hearing the news, I felt my heart sink deep into my chest. Danielle's teacher tried to put my fears at ease by telling me that the "incident" was witnessed by several people and immediately stopped before it went any further. This did nothing to ease my concerns or fears. My first question, obviously, was how was Danielle? Her teacher said that Danielle was OK but may have been more upset by the reaction of the adults who witnessed the "incident". (I called it the "incident" because it is easier than calling it an "assault".) After school was out, Danielle was placed on the bus and sent home as per usual. Of course, I was on the edge of my seat; I could hardly sit still waiting for Danielle's bus to arrive. I wanted to see her, to see how she was, if she was upset, to see if she was scared....I needed to see her.
When her school bus arrived, I ran outside to meet her. Danielle was unusually quiet but physically fine. I could tell that something upset her but when I asked her how her day went, I got the usual smile followed by silence. This is probably one of the worst aspects of this disability. I know that something terrible happened to her. I know she knows what happened to her was wrong but she couldn't tell me what happened, how it happened, why it happened or what steps were taken immediately after the incident. I was devastated for her, I felt helpless as a father and protector. As bad as things were, they were about to get much worse. Over the next several months, events would unfold that would drive home the harsh reality of how dangerous our world can be.
After getting Danielle from the school bus and spending a few minutes with her, I had to get more information about what exactly happened to her. I called her teacher and we talked at length about what had happened to Danielle at school that day. She told me that Danielle was preparing to leave for the day and as she was bending over to place something in her backpack, another student grabbed her from behind, began "thrusting his hips" and attempted to reach down her pants. Fortunately, this all happened in the classroom in full view of the teacher, several teachers aides and the entire classroom. I say fortunately because this could have happened on the playground or in a restroom or anyplace out of view from the adults on campus. What if there was no one around to stop this from escalating further? Danielle is the only girl in her class. We're accustom to this because 3 of 4 children with autism are boys. I don't know why this is true but it is a fact and a fact that we deal with each school year. Until now this hadn't been an issue, though I feared one day it might be. This is one of those times I hate being right.
I made an appointment for me and Kathy to see the teacher and principal the next day. When we arrived for the meeting, they were very apologetic and I felt like they were sensitive to my concerns however...I also recognized that there was a concerted effort to "protect" the child who assaulted Danielle. I really wanted to know which kid was involved and it was clear the school officials were prepared to protect the identity of this child at all cost. I felt I needed to know who this kid was. I see Danielle interacting with her classmates all the time. If there is one student that requires watching or has issues that could prove a threat to Danielle's safety, I should have a right to know about it, shouldn't I? Danielle was assaulted (there's that word) by this kid in front of several witnesses yet Danielle's parents aren't allowed to know the identity of her attacker? The entire situation was surreal. Danielle's class has 7 or 8 kids total. One kid is suspended until the principal and teacher can have a conference with the mother. After taking Danielle to school for a couple of days and seeing the same student conspicuously absent, it was fairly easy to determine who the perpetrator was.
When we realized who the kid was, we weren't exactly surprised. What was surprising is the way the situation was handled by the school district. For one thing, the documentation of the incident was almost non-existent. I would find out a year later that when Danielle entered middle school, the staff and administrators were unaware of the past problems with her classmate because there was nothing in the files. To make matters worse, Danielle was seated right next to this kid in class the following year and had to endure constant teasing and harassment. It was until the third week of school that we realized they were seated directly next to each other. (Kathy about blew a gasket when she found out!)
Secondly, there seemed to be no effort to look into this child's behavior beyond the "superficial". It is not natural for an eleven or twelve year old kid to grab another kid, thrust his hips back and forth and attempt to reach down their pants. This isn't a normal part of puberty, this is a learned behavior. I'm no school psychologist but I have been an 11 year old boy before. When I was eleven, I hung around lots of other eleven year old boys and I can't ever remember me or any of the boys I new having the uncontrollable urge to grab a girl and force my hand down her pants. This is a learned behavior and the burning question is where did he learn it?
Several months went by and Danielle seemed to be fine. We had taken steps to limit Danielle's contact with the other kid. He was moved to the opposite side of the room from Danielle and their interaction was closely monitored. Still, I was uneasy about the situation; I was on edge and would be for the entire remainder of the school year. It was March of 2012 when Sierra Lamar went missing. Sierra was a student at Ann Sobrato High School in Morgan Hill; the same school that Taylor attends. One day, Sierra left her home to catch the school bus on the corner. The same school bus that we often pass as I take Taylor to school in the morning. Sierra never got on the bus that day and she never arrived at school. In the weeks and months that followed, we'd often pass search and rescue personnel on our way to school; Sheriffs Deputies and community volunteers walking side by side through the fields, meadows and pastures searching for clues to Sierra's disappearance. I can't imagine what goes through a parent's mind when their child is missing. By all accounts, Sierra was a beautiful, bright, friendly and articulate young lady. In the end, Sierra was the victim of a predator in our community.
As I look at this situation, I can't help but think about my Danielle. If Sierra Lamar can become a victim; if this teenager can be taken advantage of and murdered, how do I help Danielle understand the ways of the world? I don't know what the answers are but I do know that there is no time to waste. The world won't wait for me to figure it out.
When I first started this blog, I wrote about my concerns, my fears of raising a daughter with developmental disabilities. How can I protect my daughter from predators in our community? How could a beautiful, warm little girl with a trusting personality and limited verbal skills survive in such a dangerous world? I'm sure these are questions that every loving, responsible father of a child with a cognitive disability ask himself, over and over again. Now, I am faced with the cold reality of my child's victimization.
Upon hearing the news, I felt my heart sink deep into my chest. Danielle's teacher tried to put my fears at ease by telling me that the "incident" was witnessed by several people and immediately stopped before it went any further. This did nothing to ease my concerns or fears. My first question, obviously, was how was Danielle? Her teacher said that Danielle was OK but may have been more upset by the reaction of the adults who witnessed the "incident". (I called it the "incident" because it is easier than calling it an "assault".) After school was out, Danielle was placed on the bus and sent home as per usual. Of course, I was on the edge of my seat; I could hardly sit still waiting for Danielle's bus to arrive. I wanted to see her, to see how she was, if she was upset, to see if she was scared....I needed to see her.
When her school bus arrived, I ran outside to meet her. Danielle was unusually quiet but physically fine. I could tell that something upset her but when I asked her how her day went, I got the usual smile followed by silence. This is probably one of the worst aspects of this disability. I know that something terrible happened to her. I know she knows what happened to her was wrong but she couldn't tell me what happened, how it happened, why it happened or what steps were taken immediately after the incident. I was devastated for her, I felt helpless as a father and protector. As bad as things were, they were about to get much worse. Over the next several months, events would unfold that would drive home the harsh reality of how dangerous our world can be.
After getting Danielle from the school bus and spending a few minutes with her, I had to get more information about what exactly happened to her. I called her teacher and we talked at length about what had happened to Danielle at school that day. She told me that Danielle was preparing to leave for the day and as she was bending over to place something in her backpack, another student grabbed her from behind, began "thrusting his hips" and attempted to reach down her pants. Fortunately, this all happened in the classroom in full view of the teacher, several teachers aides and the entire classroom. I say fortunately because this could have happened on the playground or in a restroom or anyplace out of view from the adults on campus. What if there was no one around to stop this from escalating further? Danielle is the only girl in her class. We're accustom to this because 3 of 4 children with autism are boys. I don't know why this is true but it is a fact and a fact that we deal with each school year. Until now this hadn't been an issue, though I feared one day it might be. This is one of those times I hate being right.
I made an appointment for me and Kathy to see the teacher and principal the next day. When we arrived for the meeting, they were very apologetic and I felt like they were sensitive to my concerns however...I also recognized that there was a concerted effort to "protect" the child who assaulted Danielle. I really wanted to know which kid was involved and it was clear the school officials were prepared to protect the identity of this child at all cost. I felt I needed to know who this kid was. I see Danielle interacting with her classmates all the time. If there is one student that requires watching or has issues that could prove a threat to Danielle's safety, I should have a right to know about it, shouldn't I? Danielle was assaulted (there's that word) by this kid in front of several witnesses yet Danielle's parents aren't allowed to know the identity of her attacker? The entire situation was surreal. Danielle's class has 7 or 8 kids total. One kid is suspended until the principal and teacher can have a conference with the mother. After taking Danielle to school for a couple of days and seeing the same student conspicuously absent, it was fairly easy to determine who the perpetrator was.
When we realized who the kid was, we weren't exactly surprised. What was surprising is the way the situation was handled by the school district. For one thing, the documentation of the incident was almost non-existent. I would find out a year later that when Danielle entered middle school, the staff and administrators were unaware of the past problems with her classmate because there was nothing in the files. To make matters worse, Danielle was seated right next to this kid in class the following year and had to endure constant teasing and harassment. It was until the third week of school that we realized they were seated directly next to each other. (Kathy about blew a gasket when she found out!)
Secondly, there seemed to be no effort to look into this child's behavior beyond the "superficial". It is not natural for an eleven or twelve year old kid to grab another kid, thrust his hips back and forth and attempt to reach down their pants. This isn't a normal part of puberty, this is a learned behavior. I'm no school psychologist but I have been an 11 year old boy before. When I was eleven, I hung around lots of other eleven year old boys and I can't ever remember me or any of the boys I new having the uncontrollable urge to grab a girl and force my hand down her pants. This is a learned behavior and the burning question is where did he learn it?
Several months went by and Danielle seemed to be fine. We had taken steps to limit Danielle's contact with the other kid. He was moved to the opposite side of the room from Danielle and their interaction was closely monitored. Still, I was uneasy about the situation; I was on edge and would be for the entire remainder of the school year. It was March of 2012 when Sierra Lamar went missing. Sierra was a student at Ann Sobrato High School in Morgan Hill; the same school that Taylor attends. One day, Sierra left her home to catch the school bus on the corner. The same school bus that we often pass as I take Taylor to school in the morning. Sierra never got on the bus that day and she never arrived at school. In the weeks and months that followed, we'd often pass search and rescue personnel on our way to school; Sheriffs Deputies and community volunteers walking side by side through the fields, meadows and pastures searching for clues to Sierra's disappearance. I can't imagine what goes through a parent's mind when their child is missing. By all accounts, Sierra was a beautiful, bright, friendly and articulate young lady. In the end, Sierra was the victim of a predator in our community.
As I look at this situation, I can't help but think about my Danielle. If Sierra Lamar can become a victim; if this teenager can be taken advantage of and murdered, how do I help Danielle understand the ways of the world? I don't know what the answers are but I do know that there is no time to waste. The world won't wait for me to figure it out.
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