Dear Taylor and Danielle,
I am writing this journal to document this very turbulent and critical time in our lives. There is so much that I want to say and so much that I need to for you to know.
It took a long time for me to understand who my father was and what truly motivated him. I was never really concerned about such things until I realized that I would soon be a father and that his influence on my life would have an impact on my relationship with my children. That realization caused me to take a long look at who I am and what type of a father I would be. Danielle’s birth in April 2000, and the subsequent challenges that we faced as a family have led me to call upon all my abilities, re-evaluate my priorities and completely change the direction of our lives.
What does it really mean to be a father and a provider? Of course there is the obvious; Dad is the provider of clothing, food and shelter. What happens when clothing, food and shelter are not enough?
Your lives are so very different from mine as a child. These dramatic differences are a major reason for my writing this journal. My father had ten siblings, each of them had several children. My mother had six siblings, several of them had children. I grew up surrounded by cousins, aunts, uncles and extended family. The Fourth of July at my grandparent’s farm in Louisiana meant dozens of cousins from all around would be there to BBQ and play games. Each time you visited, you were bound to meet new relatives you never knew existed. In many ways, these were the best times of my life.
Unfortunately, our family culture has changed dramatically over the past two decades. My generation of cousins and extended family don’t have large families; many of them don’t have kids at all. The large family, the huge support network I knew, as a child no longer exists. My father left home as a young man and decided to return and settle permanently after 26 years in the Navy. Returning home to resettle wasn’t so uncommon in his generation. As for our generation, those who decided to leave didn’t return. Much of the family property that was such a sense of pride for our forefathers has been abandoned and unwanted. This is true on both your mother’s side of the family and mine.
When I was a child, I was fortunate enough to have met both sets of grandparents and both sets of my maternal great-grandparents. Divorce was not as common as it is today. It was much more common to find “intact” families. Ironically, both of you grandparents were divorced prior to your births. I’m not sure what caused this change in the family dynamic. Some say it is a result of the civil rights and women’s movements of the 60’s. Whatever the reason, the change to our family has been significant.
My maternal grandparents were married in 1940. For them, divorce was not part of the equation it just wasn’t an option. My grandmother got angry at my grandfather in 1977 and he was banished to the “other room”. Grandfather past away in the “other room” in 1993. Can you imagine being in the Dog House for 15 years? No divorce, just banishment for 15 years! Though he was in less than good standing, grandmother cooked his meals and cared for him as diabetes ravaged his body in his final years. It was an unusual bond by today’s standards, that’s for sure.
As with many people of my generation, your mother and I waited for quite a while before we decided to marry and have children. As a result, you were born after several of your great-grandparents had past away. This is one of the things that I regret most about waiting so long to start our family. The opportunity to meet and spend time with a great-grandparent is a treasure that we rarely recognize until it is much too late. I am so sorry that your great-grandparents didn’t have an opportunity to see what beautiful people you are and how much of an influence they’ve had on your lives. I believe that you too would have been proud of the type of people they all were.
The one remaining great-grandparent you have, Martha Elizabeth Pirtle, mother of my mother Helena Marcia Bonaparte, is the last of these rare treasures and she is the glue that holds our family together. You must continue to embrace this relationship, these times, and this unique opportunity to look directly at your history.
As you read this journal, my praise of your great-grandparents may come into question. As I began writing this journal, I too developed questions about how things worked out the way they have. How is it that the children they raised could be so different from them? Are they really that different or is that my perception? Perhaps, but that is what this book is about; my perceptions, my concerns and fears, my dreams and hopes for you, my daughters.
This is not my life story. Rather, it’s a snap shot of a tumultuous eight-year period in my life; a time filled with doubt and uncertainty. How I respond to the challenges we face today will go a long way in defining me as a father and as a man.
As your father, I constantly struggle to find the proper balance between my responsibilities as your guardian/protector and as the facilitator responsible for helping you find your place as growing individuals. I have made it a point to tell you both that I love you each and every day. What does that mean unless I’m willing to put it all on the line to provide the opportunities that you deserve and must have?
In November 0f 2006, I left my career; the career that I had for years prior to your births. The career that your mother and I counted on to pay for our home, to feed our family and to provide for us during our retirement years was becoming an obstacle to seeking the resources and services necessary to help heal our family.
Taylor, I know that you have noticed some changes in the way we live though I have tried to maintain a since of normalcy for both you and Danielle. When you are old enough to understand, I hope you read my journal and gain some insight into why I have made the decisions that have changed our lives so drastically.
My love for you girls has inspired me to do things I’ve never dreamed possible. You’ve filled my life with love, meaning and purpose. I will never be able to truly express what being a father has done for me. I hope that this journal provides some insight into what you girls have given me. I wish you, self-defined, happiness, wealth and fulfillment.
This journal is for you, Taylor and Danielle.
With all of my love,
Dad
No comments:
Post a Comment