Chapter 21: The First Draft

When I decided to establish my own nonprofit organization, I wasn't exactly sure where to start. I decided to sit down and put together an outline for a program that would bring much needed resources to our local public schools. One thing I new for sure was that our local universities are some of the finest in the world and there are hundreds of students that can use the practical experience that public schools can offer. For example, I knew that students in San Jose State's school of social work had to work 15 to 20 hours per week to earn their practicum units. These are required hours, why not have them work in our public schools?
Rather than just writing down what I wanted to do, I decided to include the benefits I hoped to deliver to the various program partners/participants. It was a bit amateurish but for an evening's work I believe it had real potential.
It took me two hours to develop the outline and the next morning, I was online to Stanford University, the University  of Santa Clara, San Jose State University and Cal State East Bay. I contacted numerous professors in the schools of education, social work, psychology, speech therapy, occupational therapy, kinesics, pediatric medicine and child psychiatry; anyone and everyone I thought might have an interest in developmental disabilities. Over the next several days I would send out more than 450 introductory emails to the various universities in and around the Bay Area.
Here is a copy of my first attempt at developing an outline for a collaborative community based program designed to provide much needed human resources for our schools while establishing training opportunities for aspiring educators and therapist.

THE AUTISM PROJECT, SILICON VALLEY

ORGANIZATIONAL GOAL

Through cooperative relationships with local institutions of higher education, parents, service providers and school districts, The Autism Project, Silicon Valley endeavors to provide a network of services for the families that will create opportunities to enhance the quality of their lives through participation and inclusion in programs and activities designed to help cope with the various challenges families must face.

MISSION, PROGRAM FEATURES AND BENEFITS

1) To create programs and resources in our community utilizing University students in various relevant disciplines to address to needs of families of children with autism.

Benefits:

Community benefits from new programs designed to address the needs of this ever- expanding segment of our society.

Public Schools benefit from 1) Training and practical experience for new educators and for those looking to expand their knowledge base. 2) Additional resources provided by interns. 3) Parent involvement=ownership in program. 4) Schools are required to provide speech therapy and occupational therapy for disabled students. Most schools struggle with this law due to staff shortages and constant State budget cuts. This program can provide supplemental resources to provide such services.

Parent’s benefit from the opportunity to participate in creating the programs that they feel will best address the needs of their families.

Santa Clara University

University(s) benefit from the opportunity to provide a creative and practical world experience for their students. The program could be designed to address the educational requirements for Bachelors, Masters or Doctoral level programs.

2) To facilitate cooperative projects and programs between school districts, parents, community based organizations and local businesses to provide a holistic approach to the problems presented by this disability.

Benefit:

Community and Society Benefits

The issues and concerns of those in the “autistic community” are actually the issues and concerns of us all. According to statistical information provide by the Autism Society of America, the cost of autism will reach $400 Billion annually by the year 2013. The Center For Disease Control reports that autism occurs in 1 of every 150 births. The affect of this disability can be felt in our schools and in our community however the true affect of autism has yet to have it’s true impact in our workforce. How will this generation of children contribute to our society? What are we doing to address their future and the growing numbers of those to follow?

Santa Clara County
Office of Education

The Autism Project, Silicon Valley is uniquely designed to facilitate the development of programs to address these concerns.

3) To work with local universities and institutions of higher education to develop and implement a standard for the certification of educators and administrators who work with children who have autism.

Benefit:

Universities can provide students with a recognizable focus or emphasis with their degree program.  

(The State of California has no credential program for those who work with people who have autism. Currently, the credential falls under “Special Education” and does not recognize any particular special focus.)

San Jose State University

Universities will have direct link to the community through the program and it’s cooperative endeavors with the private sector.

4) To create programs that encourage and promote the inclusion of children with autism in daily activities, inclusion programs that are designed to help children become productive members of our community.

Benefit:

Community and Society Benefits

Programs will provide children and extended family members with opportunities to participate in recreational, social and public activities. The socialization of these individuals and their ability to function within the rules and “norms” of our society is critical in their growth as members of our community.

5) To provide parents with additional resources and new methodologies to actively participate in growth and future success of children with autism.

Benefit:

Community and Society Benefits

The program emphasizes parental participation in the development of local programs. Monthly public meetings, program evaluations and community needs assessments allow the parents a voice in the development and implementation of programs and projects.

University benefit from interaction with community groups, parents and service providers. TAP program provides the ideal setting to conduct research, assess needs and establish new trends and strategies in dealing with this disability.

Community Based Organizations and other service providers benefit from TAP’s overall concept. By the its very nature, The Autism Project, Silicon Valley is an advocate of all who provide services to families of children who have autism.

6) To create a seamless network of resources and services to help families cope with the myriad challenges presented by this debilitating disability.

Benefit:

Community Based Organizations and other service providers benefit by being able to leverage their services and expand their client base as TAP expands its services.

Stanford University

University Students benefit from the exposure to the various organizations that The Autism Project; Silicon Valley will interact with while providing our services.

Families benefit from the myriad services, inter-agency networking and opportunities provided by our program.

Public schools benefit from the relationships and resources that an independent non-profit organization can develop.

ORGANIZATIONAL OBJECTIVES

1) Assist in establishing autism accreditation methodology within local universities.

2) Establish criteria for autism studies at Universities within the Cal State system.

3) Establish a model for community-based organizations to address the myriad challenges presented by this disability.

4) Establish and manage public communication forum for autism related issues and education.

5) Assist communities, schools and organizations with the development and implementation of programs for families and children.

6) To foster and develop cooperative programs between existing public service providers

7) Assist Universities in the administration and management of community services programs and projects.

8) Facilitate service delivery of University/Intern program.

9) Assess the needs of the community through public meetings and resource analysis.

10) Encourage and facilitate parental participation in the development and delivery of programs and services

Therapeutic Riding Centers

11) Assist Universities in providing quality education and life experience to those who live and work with people who have autism.

While the idea was noble, the need glaring and the resources available, I did not seriously consider the basic truism of collaborative community organizing with public schools and universities; unless there is grant money involved, universities will not work in their local community, no matter how important or noble the cause. Universities may participate, if you create the program to fit their criteria otherwise those resources are virtually untouchable. It's an unbelievable missed opportunity for our universities, our K-12 system, parents, students, future educators and therapist.                    

Eight False Things The Public “Knows” Prior To Election Day

By Dave Johnson

Taken from Campaign For America's Future Blog

 at www.ourfuture.org

October 22, 2010 - 1:07pm ET

(Click on red text for supporting documentation.)

There are a number things the public "knows" as we head into the election that are just false. If people elect leaders based on false information, the things those leaders do in office will not be what the public expects or needs.

Here are eight of the biggest myths that are out there:

1) President Obama tripled the deficit.
Reality: Bush's last budget had a $1.416 trillion deficit. Obama's first budget reduced that to $1.29 trillion.

2) President Obama raised taxes, which hurt the economy.
Reality: Obama cut taxes. 40% of the "stimulus" was wasted on tax cuts which only create debt, which is why it was so much less effective than it could have been.

3) President Obama bailed out the banks.
Reality: While many people conflate the "stimulus" with the bank bailouts, the bank bailouts were requested by President Bush and his Treasury Secretary, former Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson. (Paulson also wanted the bailouts to be "non-reviewable by any court or any agency.") The bailouts passed and beganbefore the 2008 election of President Obama.

4) The stimulus didn't work.
Reality: The stimulus worked, but was not enough. In fact, according to the Congressional Budget Office, the stimulus raised employment by between 1.4 million and 3.3 million jobs.

5) Businesses will hire if they get tax cuts.
Reality: A business hires the right number of employees to meet demand. Having extra cash does not cause a business to hire, but a business that has a demand for what it does will find the money to hire. Businesses want customers, not tax cuts.

6) Health care reform costs $1 trillion.
Reality: The health care reform reduces government deficits by $138 billion.

7) Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, is "going broke," people live longer, fewer workers per retiree, etc.
Reality: Social Security has run a surplus since it began, has a trust fund in the trillions, is completely sound for at least 25 more years and cannot legally borrow so cannot contribute to the deficit (compare that to the military budget!) Life expectancy is only longer because fewer babies die; people who reach 65 live about the same number of years as they used to.

8) Government spending takes money out of the economy.
Reality: Government is We, the People and the money it spends is on We, the People. Many people do not know that it is government that builds the roads, airports, ports, courts, schools and other things that are the soil in which business thrives. Many people think that all government spending is on "welfare" and "foreign aid" when that is only a small part of the government's budget.

This stuff really matters.

If the public votes in a new Congress because a majority of voters think this one tripled the deficit, and as a result the new people follow the policies that actually tripled the deficit, the country could go broke.

If the public votes in a new Congress that rejects the idea of helping to create demand in the economy because they think it didn't work, then the new Congress could do things that cause a depression.

If the public votes in a new Congress because they think the health care reform will increase the deficit when it is actually projected to reduce the deficit, then the new Congress could repeal health care reform and thereby make the deficit worse. And on it goes.

The Conspiracy Theorist

Have you ever noticed that people who believe in one conspiracy theory usually believe in most conspiracy theories? Ever met a skeptical conspiracy theorist? Ever met anyone who'll say, "I've experienced alien abduction, but the whole Bigfoot legend is a hoax."? No- it'll never happen. Why, you ask? I don't know, just the nature of the beast, I guess.

Everyone I've ever met who believes there was a gunman on the grassy knoll also believes the government has alien space craft at Area 51, the World Trade Center was an "inside job" and the lunar landing was staged in a sound studio. Did you know that there really is a cure for cancer but they don't want you to know because the pharmaceutical companies are making too much money? These theorist always believe the masses have been duped and that they are amongst the chosen few who have the real scoop on what's happening. Somehow, there are these huge "secrets" out there that most people just aren't bright enough or inquisitive enough to figure out. I'm sorry but I have a hard time believing in major secrets being held by a select few. Frankly, I believe in the old mafia credo, "the only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead."

Why am I ranting on conspiracy theorist? I am ranting on conspiracy theorist because they waste huge amounts of time and energy on conjecture, rumor, speculation and half-truths. Often times their waste of time become a waste of time for countless others. You see them on TV and in articles going on and on about things that have little or no fact to support them.  

Why should this bother me and what does it have to do with this blog? It bothers me because for years I have listened to the "debate" about vaccines and their relationship to ASD. I've listened to the"expert" parent(s) who have read a few articles and all of the sudden they know more than a doctor who spent 4 years of college and another 4 years in medical school and residency. Years listening to the debate, to the theory that the medical community was giving our children autism through vaccines. No facts to make the connection, just  the "belief"; it could be the "dangerous cocktail of antibodies" our children are receiving during early vaccinations or it probably is the preservatives used by the manufacturers of the vaccine, maybe it's mercury...

So, what scientific proof do the theorist offer? What solutions do the conspiracy theorist provide? The answer the conspiracy theorist come up with to address this nightmarish government/medical/drug company collaborative experiment is to tell all parents not to vaccinate their children. Think about that, telling parents not to trust their doctors and avoid vaccinating their children....Now think about this, have you ever once heard a trained MD say you shouldn't vaccinate your children due to her/his concerns about vaccines? If there was a connection between the vaccines and ASD do you really think the medical community could keep that quiet? Not a chance. Not when autism is a worldwide epidemic. Not with the Nobel Prize awaiting the person who can find the answer to one of the world's most perplexing disabilities.

Conspiracy theorist just suck all of the air from the rest of us.

Dr. Pimentel and the ADA

Dr. Pimentel

Richard Pimentel was pronounced dead at birth in the delivery room. In a miraculous turn of events, he lived. His mother, who had experienced three miscarriages before his birth, left him in an orphanage, unable to come to terms with his existence. After his father's death, he was raised by his impoverished grandmother and deemed "retarded" by a school guidance counselor. He never spoke a word until age six.

After his mother abandoned him again for a new boyfriend, Richard was left homeless and roamed from friend’s homes to his father’s old workplace, a strip bar. He lived and slept in the dressing room. During these hard times, he managed to win two national high school speech championships and was offered a college scholarship by College Bowl founder, Dr. Ben Padrow. Richard arrived on campus only to hear Dr. Padrow tell him to come back when he had "something to say."

Richard followed Dr. Padrow's advice and quit school. Soon after he was drafted to Vietnam, where he survived a volunteer suicide mission and became an acknowledged war hero. During his brief celebration, a stray bomb exploded in his bunker and ravaged his hearing. Not only did Richard lose his hearing, he developed tinnitus, a constant ringing in the ears. The government dismissed his dreams of college and public speaking, insisting his fate was one of insanity and rage due to his condition.

Richard refused to accept this fate. He returned to college where he met Art Honneyman, "the smartest and funniest man he has ever known," who just happened to have a severe case of cerebral palsy. No one could understand Art due to his wheezing, garbled speech—-except for Richard, who could hear Art’s true voice due to his hearing loss.

At 3 AM, in celebration of Art’s birthday, Art and Richard sat down in a local restaurant for a pancake breakfast. Their waitress threatened to call the police, deeming him the "ugliest, most disgusting thing" she had ever seen. They refused to leave and were arrested under the "Ugly Law," a statute that prohibited public appearances of people who were "unsightly." This injustice propelled Richard, with the help of Dr. Padrow and a host of friends, headlong into the nascent disability movement .

Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, "Most people go to their graves with their music still inside them." Richard's disabilities were permanent, but Art encouraged him not to overcome them, but to learn from them. The music that Richard found enabled him to begin a movement that culminated in the passing of the Americans with Disabilities Act. In listening to his music, Richard helped improve the lives of disabled people across the country, including his own. 


http://www.miltwright.com/_richard_pimentel/indexstory.htm

California Politics: A Question of Morality

In a previous blog entry, I referred to Jerry Brown as the lessor of two evils. This was clearly an unfair statement to Mr. Brown. As we approach the November Gubernatorial election I am really concerned that this state's pattern of electing conservative governors will continue. The fact is we seem to be moving towards what we we fighting most to avoid.

   What is the biggest difference between the world’s major powers and third world countries? Few would argue that the middle class is what distinguishes the “haves” from the “have-nots” in this world. Clearly in our society, the middle class is the basis for our nation’s prosperity and success. The loss of our middle class would spell disaster for this nation, yet that seems to be the direction that we are purposely taking.

   When our nation responds to disasters and/or humanitarian needs of other countries, we usually provide 4 basic types of aid: food, shelter, medical and educational support. That’s right, we build shelters, hospitals and schools. Somehow, we understand that for other societies to build strength and become self-sufficient their citizens must have a place to sleep, food to eat, medical aide and they must have access to an education. This is the basic “care-package” we send to every struggling nation. So, why do we not do the same for our citizens? Why are education and medical care for our citizens such hotly contested issues? Why do these neophyte politician/actors/business executives believe that our public educational system is expendable? Why do these same politicians oppose medical care for our citizens? Am I the only one who sees the irony in this scenario?

   I’ve talked with several friends and I have been unpleasantly shocked at their take on the governor’s race. Most of my friends are middle and upper middle class, though I have several friends that would fall in the lower economic categories as well. The overall opinion seems to be that Meg Whitman would be the better choice for governor. The general feeling is that her business background would help the state get back the competitive edge. (I should mention these are the same people who thought Arnold was going to change the “political landscape” of California.) I ask each of these guys the same questions, “I know what Meg Whitman can do for InTel, Google, Cisco but what will she do for you and your family? What will she do for K-12 public schools?” Their response is usually a typical one, “oh yeah, what about ole’ Moon Beam?” …Sadly, even among friends, political conversations can go South at a moments notice.

Leadership Vacuum 

   Recently, I heard Meg Whitman say something that peaked my attention. She said, “I will put $1 Billion back into our failing state colleges and universities.” I was immediately interested and encouraged until I heard the rest of her comment. Meg Whitman plans to find the $1 Billion among the rampant fraud in our welfare system. Really, there is a billion dollars in fraud in our welfare system? Yeah, we are still waiting for the Weapons of Mass Destruction to be found at any minute now. 

   I heard a recent report on the evening news that said $69 million dollars in welfare benefits were processed in casinos and vacation resorts over a three year period, from 2006 thru 2009. That is a lot of money however the total amount of welfare benefits distributed during this same period was over $11 Billion. I’m no mathematician but I don’t think one needs to be to see the flaw in this theory. Less than 1% of the money distributed was accounted for through casinos and vacation resorts. Divided by three years, there is a total of $23 million dollars per year in “questionable” uses annually. (I say questionable because the issues raised are based upon where the resources were accessed, there is no proof that the expenditures were not allowable.) Where does Meg Whitman plan to come up with the other $977 million? The fact is republicans always say they will reduce the size of government but that’s not possible with plans like the one Meg Whitman proposes. In order to catch the "billions" in fraud you say exists, you have to have people, systems and methodologies in place or installed to do the job.  Guess what, that results in an increase in bureaucrats, staff, equipment, policies and most of all money. 

California State Capital Building

   I really don’t think that a business approach to politics is what we need. What’s needed is a realistic view of our priorities as a society. How can we talk about the legacy we leave for our children without making their education and their understanding of that legacy a priority? I won’t repeat statistics and quotes from my earlier post however I will remind all who read this that our children’s future and the future of our society is literally at stake. Our moral compass has been compromised and we must reassert ourselves as parents and advocates for future generations.

Vote education, vote for the elderly, vote for family.

Chapter 20: UNWANTED ANSWERS

It was a couple of weeks after I received my diagnosis when I began to understand what I’d ignored for so many years. One morning, I woke about 3:00am and went downstairs to make some coffee. This was the perfect time for some privacy, the only time for some privacy. Kathy and the girls wouldn't be up for hours and I welcomed the time to think in solitude. 
   I made some coffee, strong like I like it. I turned on my favorite contemporary jazz radio station, sat down with my freshly brewed cup of coffee and I fell deep into thought; I thought long and hard about my legacy as a man and as a father. I wondered what my girls would think of me, what impressions have I made upon them as individuals, so far.
   I felt a deep sense of loss when my father passed away. There were so many things that I didn't know about him. There was so much he didn't know about me. If I could have seen things from his perspective, perhaps our relationship may have been different. Unfortunately, any opportunity to salvage a relationship ended with his passing. I felt a tremendous emptiness when I heard of his passing but I didn't shed a tear.
   I felt really close to my maternal grandfather. In many ways, Thomas Pirtle was my surrogate father. He certainly filled that role in my life when I was very young. My grandfather was very old fashioned in many ways. He was born in a small town in Tennessee back in the mid twenties. Black men who were born in the deep South in those days had a different view of the world then most other people; a different view, a different work ethic, a different expectation of children and family. Consequently, he was very hard on his children. He had seven children, each one may have a different overall opinion of him but they all will tell you that he was a mean and very difficult father. I was the first grandchild and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. Perhaps having seven children had softened him up by the time I arrived but my experience with my grandfather was much different than that of his children. Sure, he was stern, grumpy and argumentative. He was demanding and while he was quick to compliment others, he was reluctant to compliment those he loved. However, as his grandson I could never say that he was a mean person. To the contrary, in his own grouchy way, he was very caring to his grandchildren.
   As my grandfather aged, he began to try to make amends and rebuild the relationships he’d neglected and/or damaged over the years. In many cases, his attempts at reconciliation were clumsy and lacked tact, but he should have gotten some credit for the effort. Unfortunately, much of the damage done over the previous thirty-five years resulted in wounds that were too deep to heal in the limited time he had left. When my grandfather died, I felt sorry that there were still so many open wounds. There were so many ugly things that were said and never apologized for. I felt deeply sadden when my grandfather died but I didn’t cry. 
   When Danielle’s Neurologist confirmed Danielle’s diagnosis as severe autism, I cried. I’ve cried off and on for many years beginning that day and I haven’t stopped crying yet. I cry out of concern for her safety. I cry because I know that the world can be a very difficult place for women. Danielle’s challenges are multiplied by the fact that she will be a minority woman with a cognitive disability. I don’t want her to be a victim. I know her best advocate is me and sometime I fear that I’m not up to the task. I cry because I don’t know what the future holds for Danielle.
   I usually don’t cry for myself, that’s not allowed. But, for now, this moment in time was for me. There was no one around to bare witness to this lapse of control so it was all right. This night, in my solitude, I was going to allow myself just this one moment. I was going to allow myself this moment to openly grieve about my struggles and the affect that major depression has had on my life. 
   My first true recollection of my depression began in my late teens and early twenties. As a young man, I had a well-deserved reputation for disappearing for days or weeks at a time. At the time, I had no idea what I was experiencing. All I can say is there where often times when I was overwhelmed and felt the need to withdraw. I would close the windows and blinds, lock the doors, unplug the telephone and lay in bed for days at a time. I wasn’t really sick, just exhausted. I felt like had been digging ditches 12 hours a day for the past two weeks. I didn’t want to talk to anyone; not my mother, not my friends, no one. These “dark periods” would last anywhere from a couple of days to weeks on end. I had no idea that there was anything that I should be treated for. What 20-year-old young man thinks to talk to a doctor because he wants to spend time alone? 
   There were many times when I would withdraw without notice and “re-appear” days later only to find a friend(s) who’d expected a call or visit from me and was “stood up”. This type of behavior doesn’t exactly install confidence in a relationship. It certainly wasn’t a lack of concern or consideration for others I felt, it was one of the symptoms of my depression. During these dark periods, I believed that everything I was endeavoring to do, school, career and relationships was domed to fail; complete acts of futility. If it were my career path I was thinking about, it was completely wrong. If it were a relationship, it was not going to work. The feelings of impending failure were so overwhelming that all I could think to do was retreat. I would retreat to my apartment and sleep until I felt better. 
   Once a friend asked me where I’d been for the past week. I told him that I was overwhelmed and needed some time alone so I stayed in my apartment for the past five days. I was really honest with him. After all, I saw nothing odd about my behavior. My friend looked at me and very seriously asked me how I was doing. At that point, I felt really uncomfortable with the conversation and quickly switched subject. From that point forward, I never discussed this with anyone again. I didn’t think there was anything wrong but I didn’t feel like explaining anything either. 
  Of course, there is another side to these dark periods; the polar opposite. It’s an unbridled optimism and self-confidence that amplifies strengths and weaknesses alike. There are times when I believe that I can do anything that I put my mind to. One of my most used sayings is “How hard could it be?” I am notorious for my ability to over simplify even the most daunting challenge. On many occasions, this attitude has led me to successfully tackle some amazing challenges, issues and projects. On other occasions, my “can-do” attitude has put me in a position of having to learn and react on the fly. This “up-side” can be just as difficult for others to deal with as the dark periods. Often times, I was so engaged with what I believed I could and should do, that I often neglected those closest to me. I was too busy.
   Last Spring, applied to return to college to pursue my Masters Degree in Business Management. As part of the application process, I had to retrieve my transcripts from the local Junior Colleges and San Jose State University. It had been more than twenty years since I had been at the University and at least that long since I had seen my last grades. When I received my transcripts from San Jose State, I was amazed to see the number of “I”, Incomplete grades listed on my transcript; I after I, after I. When I received my Junior College transcripts, I was disappointed to find the same pattern; incomplete after incomplete.
   My mother is a college professor and school has always come easy for her. I come from a family of educators who have always stressed the importance of college from the time I was entering elementary school. While my scores on standardized IQ test have always been very high, that did not translated into the college classroom. My mother said that I lacked the work ethic and discipline. Actually, I agreed with my mother; what else could it be? I would enter the semester, things would be going fine and two-thirds of the way through, I would retreat into my apartment and close the door for a week, perhaps two.
   The severity of my condition went unrecognized for more than twenty years. During that time period, my depression had a devastating effect on nearly every aspect of my life. Depression affected my education, my friendships, my career path and my romantic relationships.
   I met Kathy Louise Taylor in August of 1993 and we were married in October of 1994. Like me, Kathy was not aware of my depression or the challenges she would have to face as my partner in life. As with all bachelors, marriage meant major changes to my lifestyle. However, unlike many bachelors, I was going to come face to face with a problem that I had little awareness of and virtually no control over. Married life meant an end to my periodic vanishing act, my self imposed exile from society. We were living in a sixteen hundred square foot town home. There was no place to retreat to, no way to shut the world out. There was no way to isolate myself, or so I thought. I learned that the isolation caused by depression does not simply manifest itself in physical ways. The isolation and sense of retreat can be emotional as well as physical. The toll this can have on a relationship or family can be devastating.
   There are a lot of misconceptions about depression. The most disturbing of which is the idea that depression is a mood that can be controlled at will. We’ve all heard it or said it, “I was depressed after a bad day at work, so I went shopping and I felt better” or “I was depressed after we lost the game but I felt better when I got to the party.” These perceptions tend to minimize the seriousness of depression. I cannot speak for everyone who suffers from depression but from my experience the negative effects of depression were not connected to whether or not I was happy or sad. I could be in the most wonderful situation and in the best of spirits when I would be overcome by a dark period. I have also been at low points in my life when one might expect to be overcome by the stress of situation and never experienced any problems at all. My triggers were very different from the stereotypical descriptions and images of depression many people have.

   I never experienced dark periods because of mood or stress. What triggers my depression and sends me into my dark periods is simple routine. It’s a strange thing to say; most human beings thrive on routine. You have your morning routine, lunch routine, your weekend routine; most people need the security of knowing what’s going to happen the next day. For me, the idea of following a set schedule was difficult to comprehend. It’s not that I like unpredictability or want to go into situations blind. I like being informed, I believe it’s important to know what’s happening in your world and the greater universe. 
   I know there is an inherent contradiction in what I’ve just said. I’d like to be able to tell you what this means or why I respond the way I do but I can’t. That’s the way it is. It makes no sense. I cannot describe or tell you why my particular trigger is routine, I just try to understand my problem and recognize the symptoms.
   When you think about the ramifications of having “routine” as the trigger for depression, you can’t help but wonder how someone can survive in our society with such a problem. School and most jobs have a set time, a schedule or routine that you must adhere to in order to progress. How do people with this problem make it in the world? I was extremely lucky to find a career where my problems were actually assets. A career that helped mask my behavior and enabled me to live with severe depression, undiagnosed for nearly twenty-five years. Special event coordination and concert/festival management was the ideal career for a person with my particular challenges. The ever-changing work environment, the constantly changing schedules, the finite nature of events and projects are the ideal environment for me. My sometimes-manic behavior serves me well in a job where stress runs extremely high and major problems often arise without warning. The break between events, projects and concert tours allowed me time to recover while the odd work schedules provide an excuse when I occasionally disappeared into one of my dark periods. Special event management requires a person who can multi-task, make sound decisions and most of all work well under extremely stressful situations. When others panic under chaos and confusion, I am at my best. This is the ideal situation for a person with my particular talents. It can also be a very lucrative career given the right circumstances.
   I have never worked a conventional, nine to five job in my life. I doubt that I would know how to do that. Since my diagnosis, I often wonder what do other people who have this problem do to survive. I know I’m not the only person whose depression affects them in this way. In hindsight, I know of many people that I’ve worked with who might have had some form of depression. Perhaps it’s these fields, special event, concert production, theater, television and film that attract people with these particular challenges. One thing I’m sure of, people with my particular symptoms probably aren't very happy working as accountants .
   My dad dealt with his depression the only way he knew how, he drank. He drank until he felt better or forgot why he was drinking in the first place. Like me, I’m sure he didn’t think there was anything he needed to see a doctor about. After all, there is nothing wrong with drinking beer everyday of your life. It’s not like you need a prescription or anything.
   It’s been two years since my last serious bout with depression. Following my diagnosis, I went through several months of experimentation with various antidepressants. Eventually, my doctor gave me a prescription for Paxil. The initial 15 milligrams dosage wasn’t doing the job so the dosage was increased to 30 milligrams daily. My daily regimen of exercise, diet and Paxil has given me a new perspective on my life. My mission is meaningful, my goals and objectives are clear; I’ve found my purpose. Though I can’t help but wonder about the validity of these changes. I can’t help but recall my “triggers”. I live amongst chaos, I thrive when others panic, I am my best when confusion reigns. Have the past two years of relief been the result of the medication and my new life style? Or, could the past two years been the result of the chaos and confusion of leaving a six figure career to start a nonprofit organization with no money, no experience and few resources?

Chapter 19: Divine Intervention or Midlife Crisis?

Divine Intervention or Midlife Crisis? Part 1
By January of 2006, my perspective on life had changed significantly. My depression was being treated and it showed in my relationships with those closest to me. However, the “clarity” provided by my prescription for Paxil also brought into focus a fact that I had repeatedly denied for the past several years. My occupation was getting in the way of my being the father that I needed to be. I was the father I wanted to be, responsible, caring and concerned. However, the father I wanted to be was not the father that I needed to be. Yes, I needed to be responsible, caring and concerned. But, I also needed to be dependable, involved, present and supportive. I was really beginning to feel that I was missing the mark in many ways.
   I’ve always taken pride in the fact that I’ve been a very attentive and involved father. When the girls were infants, I was happy to get up for the midnight feedings. I really enjoyed spending that personal time with them. I’ve taken an active role in all aspects of my daughter’s lives but now I was feeling that I could do more as their dad. But, I had this job and this plan.
   My negative feelings towards my profession were further fueled by major changes within our organization. A major restructuring of the organization was displacing many of my long time co-workers and friends. I had reached the top level of my particular field and if I were interested in any form of upward mobility I would have to change jobs classifications. To make a long story short, it was apparent that circumstances were conspiring to lead me to make some critical decisions about my life.
   I asked myself the same questions that I’d asked before; what am I working towards? The retirement plan we had was a good one. We could live a comfortably during retirement. Or could we? I thought about the fisherman analogy that I so frequently use. Am I waiting for my daughter to get “big enough” before I act? I complain that “we” don’t invest in children. How was my working 50 to 60 hours a week, an investment in my children?
   One of my pet peeves is when someone points out all of the negatives, and problems but offers no possible solutions; “the gloom and doomers” who have no answers but want to spread their pessimism like an influenza outbreak. Was I becoming one of those gloom and doomers? After all, I had all of the complaints and no real answers. I was waiting for someone to provide the answers for me, for my family. The wait was getting to be unbearable and my frustration about the lack of information, resources and services were starting to reach a fever pitch. 
   It was time to take a serious look at where we were as a family and more importantly; I needed to look at where I was as a father and provider. In July of ’06, a client of mine asked me if I would be interested in applying for a job with a local, well known nonprofit organization. He explained that the CEO was going to be retiring soon and they were looking for someone with leadership skills to assist in the transition. The departure of the CEO also meant there may be room for a promotion. Naturally, I was flattered by the offer. This could be just the opportunity I was looking for, a fresh start with a nonprofit organization. This would be an excellent chance for me to learn from a well established nonprofit and get some of the much needed assistance with the establishment of my own program(s). I told him that I was very interested in a change in careers.
   In November of 2006, I submitted my resignation to the human resources department at the City of San Jose. I accepted the position of Vice President of Administration, Planning and Program Development at this “well-established” nonprofit organization. Within six months of my accepting the job, the nonprofit was filing for bankruptcy. Apparently, not keeping records or submitting reports on a timely basis year after year can lead to problems even for "well established" nonprofits. Suddenly, I was faced with a decision that would change my life forever. 
   I hadn’t been out of work in 30 years. I have been employed in some way, shape or form since I was 16 years old so this was new territory for me. I had a friend at a major concert promotion/production company who said he could use good stage manager. I have worked as a SM many times before. The pay was good but the hours were really bad. The “bad hours” were what I was hoping to get away from when I left my job with the City. To take a job with hours that were worse than what I had before would be pointless. As a matter of fact, it would be a huge blunder, a major step backwards in my life and the lives of my girls. 
   Now that I was out here and exposed, why not start working in the community and develop my own programs? One thing I knew for sure is unless you have a benefactor(s) starting off in the nonprofit world can be brutal. There is no venture capitol money in nonprofit development. Generally speaking, foundations and granters won’t fund good ideas, you need to have money or you need to start delivering services before you can expect to secure any money for your programs, no matter how important or innovative the service.
   Much to my wife's dismay, I decided not to accept my friend's offer for work. I appreciated his offer, especially during such a difficult time, but I felt that I had a new direction and a unique opportunity. I would have never imagined leaving the comfort of my job with the City of San Jose, yet here I am. This had to mean something, I couldn't throw away this opportunity. I felt that my ideas were "innovative, beautiful in their simplicity." People will be delighted to see me coming; schools need help, families need help and I know just what to do.:)

Part 1 of 2