Chapter 19: Divine Intervention or Midlife Crisis?

Divine Intervention or Midlife Crisis? Part 1
By January of 2006, my perspective on life had changed significantly. My depression was being treated and it showed in my relationships with those closest to me. However, the “clarity” provided by my prescription for Paxil also brought into focus a fact that I had repeatedly denied for the past several years. My occupation was getting in the way of my being the father that I needed to be. I was the father I wanted to be, responsible, caring and concerned. However, the father I wanted to be was not the father that I needed to be. Yes, I needed to be responsible, caring and concerned. But, I also needed to be dependable, involved, present and supportive. I was really beginning to feel that I was missing the mark in many ways.
   I’ve always taken pride in the fact that I’ve been a very attentive and involved father. When the girls were infants, I was happy to get up for the midnight feedings. I really enjoyed spending that personal time with them. I’ve taken an active role in all aspects of my daughter’s lives but now I was feeling that I could do more as their dad. But, I had this job and this plan.
   My negative feelings towards my profession were further fueled by major changes within our organization. A major restructuring of the organization was displacing many of my long time co-workers and friends. I had reached the top level of my particular field and if I were interested in any form of upward mobility I would have to change jobs classifications. To make a long story short, it was apparent that circumstances were conspiring to lead me to make some critical decisions about my life.
   I asked myself the same questions that I’d asked before; what am I working towards? The retirement plan we had was a good one. We could live a comfortably during retirement. Or could we? I thought about the fisherman analogy that I so frequently use. Am I waiting for my daughter to get “big enough” before I act? I complain that “we” don’t invest in children. How was my working 50 to 60 hours a week, an investment in my children?
   One of my pet peeves is when someone points out all of the negatives, and problems but offers no possible solutions; “the gloom and doomers” who have no answers but want to spread their pessimism like an influenza outbreak. Was I becoming one of those gloom and doomers? After all, I had all of the complaints and no real answers. I was waiting for someone to provide the answers for me, for my family. The wait was getting to be unbearable and my frustration about the lack of information, resources and services were starting to reach a fever pitch. 
   It was time to take a serious look at where we were as a family and more importantly; I needed to look at where I was as a father and provider. In July of ’06, a client of mine asked me if I would be interested in applying for a job with a local, well known nonprofit organization. He explained that the CEO was going to be retiring soon and they were looking for someone with leadership skills to assist in the transition. The departure of the CEO also meant there may be room for a promotion. Naturally, I was flattered by the offer. This could be just the opportunity I was looking for, a fresh start with a nonprofit organization. This would be an excellent chance for me to learn from a well established nonprofit and get some of the much needed assistance with the establishment of my own program(s). I told him that I was very interested in a change in careers.
   In November of 2006, I submitted my resignation to the human resources department at the City of San Jose. I accepted the position of Vice President of Administration, Planning and Program Development at this “well-established” nonprofit organization. Within six months of my accepting the job, the nonprofit was filing for bankruptcy. Apparently, not keeping records or submitting reports on a timely basis year after year can lead to problems even for "well established" nonprofits. Suddenly, I was faced with a decision that would change my life forever. 
   I hadn’t been out of work in 30 years. I have been employed in some way, shape or form since I was 16 years old so this was new territory for me. I had a friend at a major concert promotion/production company who said he could use good stage manager. I have worked as a SM many times before. The pay was good but the hours were really bad. The “bad hours” were what I was hoping to get away from when I left my job with the City. To take a job with hours that were worse than what I had before would be pointless. As a matter of fact, it would be a huge blunder, a major step backwards in my life and the lives of my girls. 
   Now that I was out here and exposed, why not start working in the community and develop my own programs? One thing I knew for sure is unless you have a benefactor(s) starting off in the nonprofit world can be brutal. There is no venture capitol money in nonprofit development. Generally speaking, foundations and granters won’t fund good ideas, you need to have money or you need to start delivering services before you can expect to secure any money for your programs, no matter how important or innovative the service.
   Much to my wife's dismay, I decided not to accept my friend's offer for work. I appreciated his offer, especially during such a difficult time, but I felt that I had a new direction and a unique opportunity. I would have never imagined leaving the comfort of my job with the City of San Jose, yet here I am. This had to mean something, I couldn't throw away this opportunity. I felt that my ideas were "innovative, beautiful in their simplicity." People will be delighted to see me coming; schools need help, families need help and I know just what to do.:)

Part 1 of 2