The past several years have been full of anxiety and stress. Having and child with a severe disability takes a real toll on parents; both individually and as a couple. Yesterday, I let my frustration get the best of me and I did something that I find unacceptable and extremely difficult to overcome. I lost my temper with Taylor and I allowed myself to cross the line of discipline. There is no excuse for it.
Taylor is a typical 13 year old. By that I mean she knows more that both parents combined. This isn't unusal for a child this age, they all know more than their parents do. I know this. For me to allow my anger to manifest itself in such a way was very hurtful and I've been awake all night thinking about it.
Without going into all the details, I yelled at her and told her that I was sick and tired of being questioned and second guessed about my decisions. I told her to go to her room and that I did not want to see her until the next morning. To some people, that may not sound all that bad but it wasn't so much what I said, it was more how I said it. I was angry, my voice was hostile, it was as if I was talking to another adult. I immediately knew I had crossed the line but it was too late.
Later that evening, I went to her room and found her sitting on the edge of her bed crying. I felt like a complete jerk, a bully. Though she needed to be corrected, she did not deserve to be talked to in that manner. I know this. I sat with her and apologized for my behavior. I told her how much she meant to me and what a wonderful little girl she is. I don't know that that will be enough.
Men raising girls should be careful in how they speak to them, especially when it comes to expressing anger. I know this. For this reason, I have always been very careful when expressing anger with my wife. I don't ever want my girls to hear me berating Kathy or speaking down to her. I don't want them to ever think that it is acceptable for a man to be verbally abusive to is partner. I don't want Taylor to ever enter into a relationship where she willing to accept that type of behavior from a man.
There is no lower feeling than when you look into your child's face and you know you've said something hurtful. My God, this is tough.
I grew up with a father who was known for his temper. When I was thirteen years old, I decided to embark upon a life of crime. Actually I'm being over dramatic; I tried to steal a bicycle lock from a shopping mall. Having never stolen anything before, me and two of my friends were caught and our parents were called to pick us up. If I recall correctly, my two friends were grounded for a couple of weeks. I should have been so lucky. Instead, my father stripped me naked from the waist down and he took a pool cue and he began to beat me from the back of my knees to my lower back. I can't remember how many times he hit me; I couldn't possibly count the blows. He beat me until the pool cue broke across the back of my thighs. I thought to myself, "thank you God for breaking that pool cue". But Dad wasn't finished, he picked up the fat end of the broken pool cue and began beating me again. He beat me until he was literally to tired to swing the pool cue anymore. He finally staggered out of the room in exhaustion.
I could hardly stand for the first 24 hours following my "punishment". My back and hamstrings were purple and black. I spent the next three days lying in bed, on my stomach. I couldn't go to school and could barely go to the restroom. This is one of a few memorable "whippings" I received from my father. How can a person do that to a child? They say that people who are abused as children often grow up to be abusers themselves...The operative word is "often". It doesn't always have to be that way. I refuse to repeat the sins of my father.
I got over it but I never forgot it. It has influenced the way I deal with my children to this day. That is why I was so upset at my behavior with Taylor. I know better.
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