I was on the phone with a representative of Blue Shield, trying to get some clarification regarding our benefits and Danielle’s speech therapy. After a lengthy conversation, the Blue Shield representative said that I needed to talk to someone else and offered to give me another “800” number to call. Then came the question that I hoped she wouldn’t ask, “Do you have a pen or pencil so you can write down this number?”
This is the kind of thing that drives me nuts. All I need is a pencil. However, I’m not really that particular; it could be a pencil or a pen. I’d settle for a marker, a piece of chalk, eyeliner, anything will work. I’m searching the kitchen drawers, the family room, bedrooms; every possible place one could hide writing utensils.
I know I’m not going to find anything to write with. The fact is we don’t allow writing utensils of any type to be readily accessible in our house. We have washed and repainted more walls and surfaces than you could possible believe. If Danielle gets her little hands on a marker, pen, pencil she feels obligated to express her artistic side by writing on any and all possible surfaces in the house. Walls, floors, clothing, drapes, counter tops, bills, anything that sits still is in danger of being graphitized.
When talking about little kids, most people know what the “terrible twos” are. The terrible two’s usually start somewhere around 18-24 months and they could last a year or more. It’s a tough time for parents and siblings as well. Danielle’s terrible twos started at about 18 months and they haven’t stopped, yet. She is entering her 7th year of terrible twos. Imagine a child that has the size, strength, life experience of an 8 year old, combined with the energy, curiosity and stubbornness of a 2 year old. That’s daddy’s girl. Danielle is constantly in motion.
The list of contraband doesn’t stop with writing utensils. That is just the tip of the iceberg. The list is long and comprehensive
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Scissors. An obvious choice. Danielle loves to cut things, especially bills, checks and things we try to keep out of her reach. It is interesting that she seems to target things that she knows we would not want her to have. Lately her target seems to be family pictures.
Knives. Another obvious choice but not really for the obvious reason. Danielle loves to cut food. If she gets a knife, she goes to the kitchen and cuts tomatoes, onions and any food she can find. Though I must admit, watching her cut onions is absolutely hilarious. The more she cuts, the harder she cries and the harder she cries, the more she cuts.
Keys. Danielle has figured out what keys work with what door. That includes the keys to the truck, the car and the garage. On more than one occasion, I’ve found her in the garage sitting in the truck. Fortunately, she’s sitting in the back seat but I suspect that won’t last long. It’s just a matter of time…
Bottles, Bowls and Containers. Danielle has a fixation with liquids. She loves to pour things out and refill them with water. This is one of the more concerning issues for our family. On the lighter side, Danielle has a habit of pouring out your most expensive cologne or perfume and refilling in with water. Of course, you don’t know what’s happened until you decide to put it on and you realize you’ve been had.
Of deeper concern, is the more dangerous aspect of this behavior; Cleansers and other household items that could injure her if she comes in contact with it.
You may read this may say, “These things are typical concerns for any parent when it comes to raising a child. What’s the difference?” The difference is that Danielle is entering her 7th year of this behavior. The difference is that a two year old is not big enough or strong enough to pose the problems that Dani does.
Danielle’s fixation with water has created more than a few problems for the family. We had gone through a 5-year period where we had to keep the bathrooms locked at all times. Danielle would go into the bathrooms and fill the sinks with water and sometimes flood the bathroom. That was the preferred scenario. The worst-case scenario is that she would go into the bathroom and play in the toilets. Any source of water was an invitation to play. This is probably the most difficult thing for me to deal with. As a result, we had the cleanest toilets in town. However, no matter how often you clean a toilet, it is a toilet! The idea of her putting her little hands in a toilet and splashing around just makes me sick to my stomach. Imagine having to lock your bathrooms for five years? Recently, Danielle’s come to understand the function of the toilet so that is no longer a worry. We still have to lock the restrooms. She still likes to play in the sink and she will take four baths a day if you let her.
About a year ago, I had to give in to the one thing I had been fighting for quite some time. I had to put a bolt lock on the inside of our front door. In order to open the front door, you must have a key to the house. This is something I’d been thinking of doing for months however I was concerned about the danger of securing the front door with a bolt lock. What if there is a fire and we have to get out the front door and we can’t find the key? I’ve tried every possible alternative for the front door problem but Danielle is always one step ahead of me. Our front door has four different types of locks on it. Each lock represents another failed attempt to secure the house from “Hurricane Danielle”. The last couple of episodes convinced me that I would have to take drastic measures to deal with this issue. One day our doorbell rang and when I answered the door, my neighbor was standing there with our new puppy; Danielle opened the door and let Oliver out. Fortunately our neighbor was out front and saw what happened. So, I went to the local hardware store and brought an alarm for our front door. It’s a simple type of alarm that attaches to the door and the doorframe. When the door opens and the contact is broken, the alarm goes off. This is a great idea, as long as you actually hear the alarm. Two days after installing the alarm, the doorbell rang. When I answered the door, my neighbor was standing there with Danielle by the hand. Once again, Danielle just opened the front door and walked out and I never even heard the alarm. So, we made the decision to add a bolt lock to the front door.
We have not only secured our front door and our bathroom doors, we’ve also had to secure our bedroom doors. Mom’s vanity table full of lotions and perfumes and jewelry is just to tempting for Danielle to avoid. All of those bottles that need emptying! We had to come up with a solution to our individual “privacy” issues when it comes to Danielle as well. What do you do when you need to use the restroom and Danielle is “on the loose”?
It might sound silly, but it is a legitimate concern. With Danielle, any moment that she is out of sight presents an opportunity for one of her “adventures”. Two or three minutes in the restroom could be just enough time to climb on the kitchen counter and attempt to reach the top of the refrigerator to get to the cookies, or any of the other schemes she is waiting to hatch. Caring for Danielle requires you to be constantly alert and aware of her location at all times. As a result, we put a lock on the outside of Danielle’s bedroom door. For those times when either Kathy or me need a few minutes of privacy, we have to put Danielle in her room and lock the door. Of course this only works for so long. Danielle does not stand still for being locked in her room for more than a couple of minutes at a time. Living in our home is a lot like living on a ship during rough seas; every time you leave one area, you have to check and make sure you’ve secured all the “water-tight doors” to prevent a catastrophe.
All of these behaviors and our response to them have an impact on her sister. Taylor is probably the most well-adjusted and empathetic kid I’ve ever seen. I’d love to take credit for it but I think it is just in her nature to be that way. I can’t think of anything I’ve done to create such a great kid. Taylor is 13 years old and she still shares a room with Danielle. We have a third room that we currently use as an office but we have been considering giving Taylor her own space. Recently, Taylor asked to re-decorate her room. She is at the age where it is important for her to express who she is. She wanted to put up posters and pictures and personalize her space. So we put up some pictures of her favorite celebrities from her teen magazines and Taylor was pretty thrilled. We talked about what color she wanted to paint her room and about getting some new bedroom furniture. Everything seemed to be fine.
Later that evening, I heard Taylor yelling at Danielle about something so I ran upstairs to see what happened. Danielle had torn every one of Taylor’s posters from the wall. As far as Danielle was concerned, those posters weren’t supposed to be hanging on the walls. That wasn’t the way the room usually looks. I sat down with Danielle and talked with her about the posters and told her that Taylor and Daddy wanted them on the wall. I demonstrated what I wanted by having her watch as I attempted to put the torn pictures back on the wall. I promised Taylor that we’d go to the store and buy some new magazines and posters for her room.
The next day, I went to the store as promised and brought a several new “teen” magazines for Taylor with posters of some of her favorite stars. Taylor was confident that she would be able to hang up her posters without fear of Danielle tearing them down. I was skeptical but I’ve learned not to underestimate Taylor’s ability to work with Danielle. When I went upstairs, Taylor was waiting at her bedroom door with a stapler. She came up with great idea; she would hang her poster on the ceiling above her bed. That was a great idea, why didn’t I think of that? There was no way Danielle could reach them on the ceiling. Taylor could lie in bed and look at her posters and Danielle would have to adjust to it; problem solve. I went to the garage got the stepladder and we hung eight new posters on the ceiling. As we hung the posters on the ceiling, Danielle sat quietly observing our every move. She was watching how we used the stapler and the stepladder and carefully calculating the ceiling height. Watching Danielle watch us was actually comical. Taylor and I laughed the whole time we were hanging the posters. We knew exactly what she was scheming but there was no way she could get these posters off of the ceiling.
Later that evening, when I went to say goodnight to the girls, I found Taylor lying on her back looking at the posters spread across the ceiling. Over in the next bed, Danielle was lying on her back looking at the posters, too. Somehow, Danielle’s “look” was different than Taylor’s. Taylor was admiring the posters, the artistic arrangement, and the placement of them. Danielle was looking at the posters but this was not a look of admiration. It was a look of curiosity, almost a look of wonder. She seemed to be thinking. “Could Taylor and Dad be challenging me? What purpose do these things on the ceiling serve?”
I awoke the next day to find the posters on the ceiling as positioned the day before. However, the past several years have taught me that success comes one day at a time. Four days pass, the posters are still in place and there haven’t been any incidents of note; if you don’t count the one time Danielle tried to use the broom to knock the posters from the ceiling. But that was only once and she only got two swipes in before she was “apprehended”. That was three days ago and everything’s been fine. Danielle seems to have adjusted having the posters on the ceiling so everything is great. The crisis has been settled and Taylor won’t have to move to separate room.
Another week went by and not only were the posters still in place, but more had been added to the ceiling in the girl’s room. One afternoon, Taylor and mom went to their weekly Girl Scout meeting. Danielle and me were relaxing at home and working on a puzzle. Suddenly, Danielle decided she had had enough of the puzzle and abruptly went upstairs to her room. I followed her upstairs and she turned on her TV. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie and received the usual answer; a big giant smile. I assumed that meant yes so I put on one of her favorite movies and went downstairs. It was quiet, I almost felt like I had the house to myself. I got a phone call from my sister and left Danielle to herself for a while. After about fifteen minutes, I heard a very loud “thud” upstairs. I ran up to check on Danielle and there she was, lying on her bed watching Wallace and Gromit. There was nothing out of place or unusual so I went back downstairs and continued my conversation. Within a few minutes, I heard another loud thud and ran back upstairs to check on Danielle. When I opened the door, there she sat at the edge of her bed with that big beautiful smile of hers. Once again, nothing out of place but something was happening. That loud thumping noise was a bit discerning.
Perhaps it’s Danielle’s need for pressure kicking in, again. Danielle occasionally needs to have pressure applied to the bottom of her feet; like a deep foot message to calm her down. The use of pressure to help children is very common. Danielle sometimes wears a weighted vest in class to help her with her sensory perception. There are times when she will jump up and down in an attempt to self stimulate and fulfill her need for pressure on her feet. She must be jumping up and down upstairs. It sounds like someone dropping a bowling ball upstairs. After my third trip to check on Danielle, I decided to ignore the “jumping”. After a few minutes, the noise was so annoying that I stepped outside to continue my telephone conversation.
Thirty minutes later, Taylor and Kathy returned from their Girl Scout meeting. Taylor went upstairs to her room and within minutes, I heard a commotion upstairs. I ran upstairs and as I entered the bedroom, I saw Taylor’s posters, all twelve of them lying on the floor. The “thumping” and thudding” noises I heard were Danielle jumping from her dressers and from her bed to reach the posters on the ceiling. The posters were hung flush on the ceiling. I couldn’t believe she was able to pull every one of them down. I felt both a sense of disappointment for Taylor and a sense of pride in Danielle’s determination, no matter how ‘misplaced”.
Obviously, Taylor was really upset with Danielle over her posters. After all, this was as much her room as Danielle’s. Why should she have to make all of the concessions? The only sure solution to this dilemma was to give Taylor her own room. So, I offered to turn our home office into a third bedroom for her. This wasn’t the solution I was hoping for but it was the only sensible answer. I told Taylor that I thought it would be difficult to get Danielle to accept the changes that we’d like to make to the bedroom. Danielle was very accustomed to the way things were and change was something she struggled with. I reminded Taylor of the struggles we had putting a TV/VCR in the room.
“Remember how Danielle would throw the TV off of the stand every time we’d leave the room? We finally had to attach L-Brackets to the dresser and secure the TV/VCR to it with small bungee cord. It would probably be best to for you to have your on room.” I thought Taylor would be thrilled at the idea of having her own room. To my surprise, she asked for some time to think things over.
About an hour went by and Taylor came downstairs to talk with me, “Dad, sometimes Danielle gets up in the middle of the night and gets in bed with me. I don’t know what she would do if I wasn’t there for her so I’d rather not have my own room right now. Maybe in a couple of years when Danielle gets older I can get my own room.” Of course, I was thrilled at Taylor’s decision. I was proud of her concern for and her commitment to her little sister. I was proud that she would put the needs of someone else before her wants. I was proud because her decision meant that I didn’t have to give up my office.
It’s been six months and the last set of posters Taylor hung on the walls are still in place. The walls over Taylor’s bed are covered in posters of her favorite stars, even Danielle’s side of the room a set of posters on the wall. I must admit that I was skeptical when Taylor decided to try and hang posters in their room for the third time. I really thought she was setting herself up for more disappointment but Taylor proved me wrong, once again. The solution was a simple one; so simple it never even occurred to me. Taylor recognized the obvious solution was to involve Danielle in the process of decorating the room. Instead of asking me to help her hang posters, she had Danielle help her hang them up. It was a brilliant solution. Danielle helped arrange the posters and Taylor showed her how to use the stapler. Instead of forcing or imposing change upon her sister, she enlisted her support in implementing change. What a wonderful lesson for us all to learn.
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